Yes! Yes, I absolutely did just quote an Abba song for the title of this post. Or if you are into your niche comedy, Alan Partridge (thanks S for inflicting your weird taste in TV shows on me!). This post is loosely linked to doulaing but more about knowing yourself and being happy with who you are. Sorry to disappoint if you were hoping for an Abba or Alan Partridge tribute post. You should probably stop reading now if that’s the case. I don’t really feel like I know enough about either to dedicate a whole blog post to them.
Anyway, I am digressing already, and I’m only just on to paragraph two! These last couple of weeks have been a bit weird for me. My self-doubt has come creeping back in and so I feel like I’ve kind of retreated into my safe place; my own head……… I don’t think anyone else would find it a safe place. It’s weird in there sometimes! So yeah, I had a random little dream a couple of weeks ago where I was doing a bank shift as a midwife. It was a stressful shift but my dream self seemed ok with that. When I woke up, I had this massive fear that I have made the wrong choice. It left a knot in my stomach for a couple of days but stupidly, I didn’t really talk to anyone about it. (I guess this blogging is now partially my off-loading / therapy). For those few days, I was pretty distant, going backwards and forwards in my head about whether I should try bank midwifery to keep my hand in, so to speak. However, even just the thought of doing a shift as a midwife now fills me with fear and I start to feel a bit stressy. Added on to this is a small fear that I’m not the right type of person to be a doula. Am I confident enough to act as an advocate? Am I relaxed enough to promote a calm persona and environment? Am I even likable enough to be able to book clients? What if I’m totally going down the wrong route and should stick to a nice easy, 9-5 type desk job?? Arrrrghhhhh!!
It seemed, for a time, that nearly everyone I know has their s**t(sorry mum) together. I felt so envious that these people in my life had made plans and stuck to them and were so………. well……. together.
Well! Guess what! It’s not always the case. In a society that is now so dominated by social media and perfection, it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one wandering through life, hesitating at every fork in the road, sometimes considering returning to the previous fork because that seemed like an easier time. I guess I’ve kind of known it for a while now, but it’s only really sunk in during this last week. The social media version of a person is very different to the person who is known by their friends and family. And that person is also completely different to the person you are when you are alone. We live in a culture of perfection. The perfect life, the perfect body, the perfect home, the perfect family. But who gets to decide whether these things are perfect enough? Who is setting the gold standard of perfection? Psssst! The answer should be you!
Why do we put so much effort in to constantly trying to make ourselves and our lives perfect when actually, it really is the imperfections and flaws that make us more interesting. (I was going to say beautiful there, but that was borderline cliché!) Only you will know what is perfect for you. Life is way too short to spend it trying to be perfect for others but being unhappy with what you have. Love yourself! Love what you have! Be grateful for what you have in life rather than constantly yearning for what you don’t have. Somebody might be looking at your life and wishing theirs was as good as yours. I’ve realised that very few of us know what the hell we’re actually doing. Yeah some of us have a rough plan and usually stick to it, but that doesn’t mean there is no self-doubt involved.
A very wise man I know told me it’s about keeping opportunities available to yourself. Rather than the old adage “when one door closes, another door opens” he prefers to operate on the basis of “collect as many doors as possible so that you can go ahead and open each one as and when the time is right”. A pretty good life tactic I think! Plus, I really like the idea that you’re going and opening the doors yourself rather than waiting for them to open them to open for you. Ain’t nobody got time for that!
Linking back to my doula life crisis; it’s another door to add to my collection. I don’t know how things are going to pan out until I try it. But I know that if I don’t try it, I’ll always be wondering if I would have been any good at it. And as long as I keep collecting doors as I go, I will always have other opportunities available. Some will be great alongside doula life and others might be an alternative but I just have to burst through each door and go with it. I have to go with what makes me happy and I know for sure, that for me, happiness does not lie in being a midwife. I’m hoping this cathartic blog post will close and lock that door for me now but I suspect those little doubts will pester me every now and then. I just have to make sure that my certainties are louder and more bolshie (I love that word). To quote Alan Partridge: “Would it be terribly rude to stop listening to you and go speak to somebody else?” (For those Partridge fans that continued reading beyond my warning, well done for making it this far!).
So, stop worrying. You are you, and nothing can change that. You are going to do what you want to do, and what makes you happy, and nobody can change that either. I’m going to finish with a nerdy but very relevant quote from Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them: “Worrying means you suffer twice” – a very wise Newt Scamander.
So until next time, chill out and enjoy what you have!
C x
Doula la 